


grinning wildly expressing my needs

by ManaGummi



Series: so i fell asleep softly at the edge of a cave [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Character Study, Chronic Pain, Gen, Post Re:Mind, Vanitas is tired, did i mention this is just a character study, hey mr grumpy gills, mentions of the other wayfinders, no beta we die like tired men, older bro terra gives me life, vanitas is back and lives with the wayfinders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23867881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ManaGummi/pseuds/ManaGummi
Summary: He’d been sitting in the courtyard with Ven while on a forced training break from Terra, half-listening to Ven’s ambling chatter but mostly just zoning out to ignore the pain lacing the veins of his right arm.-------A Vanitas character study featuring the lovely experience of chronic pain.
Series: so i fell asleep softly at the edge of a cave [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1720105
Comments: 17
Kudos: 68





	grinning wildly expressing my needs

**Author's Note:**

> you ever start planning a multi-chapter soriku fic and then somehow vanitas is there and you need to figure out what's going on in his head so you write a character study? haha me too wow!
> 
> this takes place post re:mind/limit cut. sora was saved and vanitas was pulled back into existence kicking and punching and he's currently bunking in the land of departure with the wayfinders. sora and riku are also in lod but we'll get to that later.
> 
> find me on twitter @managummi
> 
> title from "when i was done dying" by dan deacon

Vanitas cracks his wrist just to watch Ven flinch.

It’s kind of funny, because he doesn’t even do it that hard. Just a quick flick of his wrist to hear the bones of his joint shifting, kind of like the crinkly static of those plastic bags they use for groceries in Twilight Town, but Ven cringes and twists his face into a grimace anyway. Vanitas half wants to laugh, half wants to do it again. He winds up doing neither, but only because he catches sight of Aqua lurking by the archway over Ven’s shoulder, her gaze stern and motherly and not quite without that deep malice she seems to think she’s gotten over. Aqua doesn’t scare Vanitas, never has, but she does have a tendency to nag him long enough to give him a headache. 

Just thinking about it makes anger bubble in the back of his throat. He’s not really up for a lecture today. 

Instead, he presses his thumb against the pulse point of his wrist, rubbing slow circles into the tendons in a vain attempt to soothe the stiff ache beneath the skin. He breathes in slowly, deeply, like Terra taught him so many weeks ago. It’s stupid that the breathing exercise works. Breathing shouldn’t solve anything, because it doesn’t _do_ anything to eliminate whatever’s pissing him off, but Vanitas can’t deny results when the tension in his shoulders starts to bleed out and down, down in the ground at his feet. So Vanitas stands there and breathes and ignores Ven’s rapid fire questions about if he’s okay and counts until he reaches -

“Vanitas, c’mon!”

\- twenty.

On the last exhale Vanitas turns his head and briefly locks eyes with Ven, one eyebrow quirked dangerously, before standing up and striding back into the castle halls. He’d been sitting in the courtyard with Ven while on a forced training break from Terra, half-listening to Ven’s ambling chatter but mostly just zoning out to ignore the pain lacing the veins of his right arm. His body had been hurting more often recently, pain like liquid fire branching out through his limbs at random intervals. It wasn’t a new or surprising scenario, but it was deeply annoying to have it flare up again. Vanitas would never admit it to the trio of keyblade wielders he was currently living with, but in the near half-year since they’d brought him back into existence his daily, chronic pain _had_ been easing, likely due to having stable - and less violent - living conditions. It never vanished, and Vanitas was certain it never would, but the intensity had dropped to a manageable enough level that he could _almost_ relax sometimes.

But again, he’d never admit it.

As Vanitas heads back to the training grounds, Ven nipping at his heels and _still_ yammering about something Vanitas is steadfastly ignoring, he catches sight of the Land of Departure’s two newest additions out one of the hall windows: Sora and Riku. Keeping the scowl off his face as he sees them is too much work, so even though - and also maybe because - it upsets Ven, Vanitas shoots Sora and Riku a quick, acidic glare before pacing down the hallway a little bit faster than before.

Ven is back by his side in an instant.

“You know, I really don’t get why you hate them so much,” Ven asks as he cranes his head to try and catch Vanitas’s eyes.

Vanitas scoffs. “Am I supposed to like the people responsible for ending my existence?” 

“Well, you don’t hate me, right?” Ven asks without missing a beat. He _does_ , however, miss the next one when Vanitas glances at him with a sneer. “Okay, don’t answer that, but I dunno if they deserve you being so mean to them. Especially Riku!” Ven waves a hand back toward where they had passed the duo. “He wasn’t even in that fight!”

“Doesn’t matter,” Vanitas spits. He straightens his gaze on the hallway ahead,breaking away from Ven’s stare. The castle is large, and the training grounds were a good distance from the courtyard. Vanitas couldn’t help but wish it were closer just to sooner escape this _lovely_ conversation with Ven. “They’re both annoying anyway, and aren’t I supposed to be allowing myself to feel my emotions without fighting them, Ventus?” He lilts his voice up into a sickly sweet sing-song at the end and is rewarded for the trouble when Ven scrunches his nose in another grimace.

“I don’t think hating people for no reason is what Terra meant when he told you that,” Ventus sighs. “Also stop calling me Ventus when you’re pissed, it’s not as cute as you think it is.”

Vanitas disagrees, but it’s not worth the fight when the pain in his arm starts to burn again. Instead, he rolls his eyes and picks up the pace to get a few steps ahead of Ventus, silently signaling that their conversation is over. For once, Ven gets the message and trails behind, blissfully quiet.

Truthfully, Vanitas only _really_ can’t stand Sora. The stupid ball of sunshine that everyone is so enamored with is, in Vanitas’s opinion, not that impressive, and he really doesn’t understand why the guardians of light spent a whole year working to get him back. Vanitas personally finds him grating. He’s too loud, too happy, too bouncy, and - as of late - too fake. It’s clear to Vanitas that everyone’s hero boy is hiding something, because when Sora thinks no one is looking he all but wilts, dreary sighs and far-off stares abundant. Vanitas can’t stand Sora’s moping, and he also can’t stand that everyone else is either too stupid or too willfully dense to notice and confront the kid to get this shit sorted out.

As for why Vanitas hates Riku? He’s just guilty by association with Sora. It’s cause enough for him.

The exit to the training grounds comes into view down the hall on Vanitas’s right, interrupting his train of thought. He bites back a relieved sigh when he sees it. Pain is twining up to his shoulder now, and while he’s supposed to tell Terra when he’s hurting, all Vanitas really wants is to bash things with his keyblade until his body goes numb to all sensation. It’s probably considered an unhealthy coping mechanism by Aqua’s standard, but Vanitas has never concerned himself with Aqua’s opinions before. He has no plans to start now.

The sunlight momentarily blinds him as he pushes open the large exit door, his vision flashing white and empty as he reflexively blinks. He feels Ven brush past him through the door, shouting something in exuberance as he takes off to the training grounds, and when Vanitas’s vision clears he sees Terra waving at them both with a small, perhaps fond smile. Something about the easy recognition, the seamless acceptance, makes Vanitas feel a little calmer, a little less angry, a little less bothered by the pain.

He’d never admit it though.

**Author's Note:**

> i guess this technically starts the "so i fell asleep softly at the edge of a cave" series, which wow i never thought i'd have a fic series! i'm working on the main fic now so hopefully that'll be rolling on here soon
> 
> chronic pain experiences here are based on my own Chronic Illness Life. obviously i can't speak for every individual's experience with chronic pain but if you're genuinely curious about how it can manifest and affect a person feel free to ask me! my mom says i'm nice so don't be scared of me


End file.
